“You just have to vote YES to marriage equality on May 22nd. You just have to. If you're gay it's obviously your right, if you're straight it doesn't effect you anyway. Just vote yes and if you're going to vote no then please delete me from your friend list on fb. I don't want people in my life who deny others their basic human rights. I feel very strongly about this.
I apologise to all the gay people of Ireland that their right to equailty is up for debate.
You have such patience and grace to withstand the ignorance in this country.”
This facebook post on a beautiful woman’s page caught me as I think it was supposed to catch me. Her message was clear. Her passion is evident. My message is clear. My passion is evident. My response is here.
It’s a meagre sort of tolerance that only wants tolerance for its own.
What sort of democracy indulges in coercion?
What sort of fight for freedom employs bullying tactics to judge and despise?
What sort of search for equality threatens to wipe out friendship and connection with anyone who holds a different perspective, a different experience, a different understanding?
What sort of tolerance ridicules difference?
What sort of love refuses to stand with those they find difficult to love?
I believe in a love that loves you no matter what you vote. I believe in friendship that goes deeper than political leanings and life meanings.
I am shocked that someone would want me out of their life because I am different to them.
There is a certain irony in this being preached under a banner of equality, justice and freedom. I am disheartened that someone would choose to see the way I vote as the sum total of who I am. We are all on a journey, we are all on a way. If we cannot speak to each other authentically from where we genuinely are then where is the hope for unity?
At the first sign of diversity, is the response to be one of closing down and shutting out?
I thought the yes campaign was all about love and equality? Aren’t they the tasty buzz words of conviction: “Make Gra the Law.”
“I don't want people in my life who deny others their basic human rights.”
I take human rights very seriously. I believe every human being is equal in value though clearly our world is jam-pack full of diversity and individuality and difference.
Is marriage a basic human right? Is freedom of choice in a democratic referendum a basic human right? Is it a basic human right to hold your own opinions, beliefs, commitments and convictions and to exercise your democratic right accordingly?
If both marriage and voting are basic human rights, then it seems to be unjust to judge those who choose to use their basic human right to vote in good conscience on their understanding of the definition of marriage.
Isn’t this referendum supposed to be about a journey towards inclusion?
What sort of inclusion makes demands to exclude?
I have decided that I don’t like the atmosphere of exclusion and coercion mounting in my country around this referendum. I have decided that my vote will be my decision because people at some point decided my vote was worth fighting for. I have decided that a vote bullied out of me would not be a real democratic vote for freedom, equality or justice. I have decided those are things worth voting for. I have decided that anyone who really and truly believes in the innate value of every human being to be absolutely free would want to include me in that freedom.
There is a lot of talk around love in this referendum.
Is love a basic human right? I take human rights very seriously. I believe every human being is wired for love - to love and to be loved. So, contrary to the message of this facebook post, I do want people in my life who deny others their basic human rights. I don’t want to exclude, “un-friend” or “un-love” anyone because my weakness causes me to fear or despise difference.
When I love and am loved I want it to be without condition. Isn’t that our only hope for a world more full of love? For laws more full of love?
It’s easy to love those who think the same as you. It’s easy to love those who vote the same as you. I want to love others regardless of their voting choices.
“If you're gay it's obviously your right”
This statement presumes a person’s democratic vote is based on their sexuality rather than their freedom to choose because they have a right to their say in this democracy. It also unfortunately stereotypes and pigeonholes everyone who identifies themselves as gay into one box and one voting agenda. From my personal experience it's a lot more complex than that. In terms of respecting individuality, originality and diversity I struggle with such an assumption.
If your are about to whip our the homophobe card at me then first read what Keith Mills has to say in his article in the Sunday Independent (01/02/2015) where he describes himself as an “agnostic gay man supporting a 'No' vote in May.” Keith shares my concern about the bullying tactics and culture of fear to speak out that surrounds this referendum:
“While I have little doubt that most of the 'out' gay community are probably in favour of a 'Yes' vote, I know that I am far from a lone voice calling for rejection, but I am one of the few willing to raise their heads above the parapet.”
Keith like many others in this country, who are probably too petrified to say so, don’t see a re-definition of marriage as providing an obvious right to same-sex couples. In fact he actually says "it upsets me when those promoting same-sex marriage try to portray civil partnerships as a "second class marriage". That is most certainly not how I and most people I know view them."
Keith actually sees civil partnerships as better expression of his rights, saying;
"I believe that civil partnerships are a better way of reflecting the reality of most same-sex unions and the idea that a civil marriage 'one size fits all' method of legally recognising all unions fails to address the fact that the relationship that a man forms with another man is intrinsically different from the relationship that a man forms with a woman.”
He writes "that civil partnerships are a better way of legally recognising same-sex relationships and providing all the rights and entitlements that come with civil marriage and are a better way of expressing diversity.”
“...if you're straight it doesn't effect you anyway.”
Another statement narrowly based on sexual identity rather than all the other elements that make up an individual and influence their voting decisions.
There are many questions raised here that perhaps have not been considered by those who choose to only surround themselves with like-minded friends.
What if I’m a minister of religion whose duty and right by law includes performing rites of marriage to those entitled under law to marry? Should I be sent to prison for my convictions, worldview and beliefs around marriage?
If I end up in prison because my freedom of conscience is over-ruled by those claiming “equality” where is the tolerance and love for me in that?
I am straight, or so my society labels me because of my sexual orientation, and I am married in the eyes of the Christian church and the eyes of the Irish state.
I feel very deeply that the outcome of this referendum will in fact effect me. No matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I honestly feel that it will and I am filled with disappointment and sorrow at the thought of that change occurring.
Article 41.3.1 states: “The State pledges to guard with special care the institution of marriage, on which the family is founded, and to protect it against attack.” In seeking to change the constitutional definition of marriage the State is breaking the very promise to protect the institution of marriage as it is currently defined.
I feel betrayed by the State that gave me a marriage certificate based on a definition of marriage that I signed up to under Irish law. A change to that definition of marriage does of course effect me as a married person in this country. It does not change my personal marriage but it does change the definition of how the state views my marriage. It changes what any of my future children will learn in school about marriage. It re-writes a marriage narrative that has been read in my country and culture for millennia. It does of course effect me. It is naive and insensitive to believe otherwise.
How heterophobic has my country become? That it would label any such expression of dismay at the potential change of my country’s definition of marriage as “bigoted”, “hatred”, “inequality”… labels I have consistently heard on social and national media.
Since when does disagreement with someone mean you hate them?
Perhaps the ferocity I am witnessing within the yes campaign is a backlash from years of homophobic, horrifically alienating and un-loving culture both in church and state. But more hate speech, such as the facebook post that prompted this blog, won’t bring the love and equality we crave.
Marriage in itself will never be a ticket to equality. Some things will never equal one another. If this referendum is passed marriage inequality will still exist. I will still not be entitled to marry a twelve year old, even if we are deeply in love and committed to one another. I will still not be entitled to marry my brother, even if all we want is to make gra the law. I will still not be equal enough to be allowed to marry my beloved who is deemed mentally unfit to make their commitment to me.
How is marriage a “basic human right” when some humans are clearly excluded completely apart from gender or sexual orientation?
People have never and will never be entitled to marry just because they are in a loving relationship.
So skip all the emotional blackmail please, skip all the vote for this person and that person, spare me the vote for false notions of love and equality, vote for yourself, that’s what a democratic vote is for.
But if, for some strange reason, you are looking for someone else to vote for on May 22nd, then Vote No, for me.
Vote No for my marriage
Vote No for a marriage that is two becoming one flesh
Vote No for a marriage that is bonded by the blood of a covenant
Vote No for the genes of my husband’s and my ancestors who will grow together when we conceive a child
Vote No for a genuine equality that respects the differences between relationships that are physiologically and biologically different
Vote No because you know there is something different between my marriage and a same-sex relationship
Vote No out of respect and love for that diversity, for that difference. And don’t be afraid of it.
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